Sunday, February 22, 2015

Google's misguided child: Breaking bread

It was 2:30am.  My stomach would not let me sleep!  It was rumbling, burning, jumping, skipping, and doing backflips.  Generally being a real d-bag of an f-bag.

You see, shit happens to me, and then I'm told I have to follow x diet until they can confirm or deny that I actually need surgery.  So I'm chugging along on a very low residue diet, with an emphasis on shakes.  God help me or put me out of my misery.  Cool thing about low residue?  Most processed food fits squarely in that category.  The issue here is allowing my car to be buried by 10 inches of snow and ice, there isn't any processed food within three miles of my house.

Maybe later today I'll get myself a big bag of kettle chips and some mystery dip and pretend I don't feel most foul after eating the junk I'm allowed to eat.  Bad food>no food.

My damn stomach.  I was so hungry, I started deliriously fantasizing about all kinds of stuff I haven't thought about in what I consider to be forever (more than a year?  For a cricket who has an average life span of 8 weeks, that's way longer than forever).  I saw burritos, onions rings, and hot dogs.  Hot dogs!  I made a kickass seitan hot dog a few years ago that tasted exactly like those infamous oscar mayer hot dogs.  I consulted with google.  After clicking a dozen links, I decided making seitan at 3am is entirely too much work.

So what else makes a hot dog a hot dog?  It's not just about the mystery meat.  It's the bun and the toppings.  I have mustard, ketchup, and relish in the refrigerator so I just needed to figure out how to make bread in less than the normal half day's worth of time.

Paging Mr. Google! "beer bread in the microwave"

*bleep bloop bloop bleep*

And there I found it, multiple hits on how to make bread in 10 minutes FLAT.  YES!  I mixed it up, nuked it, and gathered my condiments in anticipation.  I couldn't get the relish open because it was all sticky and most likely rusted shut, so into the trash it went.  That's okay though, I still have mustard and ketchup!

After the nukemaster chimed, I inverted the wheaty blob onto the counter.  It was at this point I realized you get what you pay for.  This shit was cheaper than free.  The edges were rock hard, the bottom was slimy and gummy, but did that stop me?  Hell no.  I picked around all of the funky parts and came up with one decent section of sad, almost bread.  I tasted the crumb and the flavor was actually nothing to sulk about.

Spongebob, is that you?
I went with it.

I carved myself a bun and squirted on a little M & K.  I took a bite and my taste buds were donkey punched by a flavor that didn't belong.  Trash bag?  What the hell?  The bread itself tasted okay.  I inspected the mustard and noticed that it had expired in January of 2012.  Jeeeeeesh.  Into the trash THAT went.  It's a shame, because that was some well-traveled mustard.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board (I couldn't even cut through it)
I wanted a hot dog, and ended up eating a ketchup sandwich.  Good enough for me!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

The tale of two squash (failing at food prep)

I used to be so good about buying and prepping my produce for the week, but my how the times have changed.  I have winter squash left from Christmas that I haven't cracked open yet, and about 6 pounds of collard greens that need to be cleaned, chopped, and frozen.  Then there's the asparagus that probably needed to be taken care of two days ago, and so much zucchini, and...you get the idea.  Grocery shopping literally sucks what's left of my life right out of me.  The food sits and rots.  I'm so wasteful, it disturbs me.

BUT NOT TODAY!  NO WAY!

Or, that was the plan.  I decided to start with the squash, since they have seniority and are most likely sprouting on the inside.  Rather than trying to peel, and dice them first, I threw them into the oven whole (after multiple stabbings).  I had intended to leave them in for an hour, but pancakes happened and I completely forgot about the squash until two hours later.  Unbeknownst to me earlier, today is pancake day, so the puppet masters of the universe must have had their way with me because I haven't had or even remotely craved pancakes in quite a while.

Mr. Butternut and Mrs. Buttercup were both gooey on the outside and
shriveled.  I left them in the oven to cool enough to handle, but frickin' forgot to take them out.  It's 8 hours later, and I just stuffed the entire baking sheet into the refrigerator with both shriveled squash completely untouched.  I'm hoping the kitchen pixies make some quick work of skinning and seeding them so I don't have to.


All of this lead me to the conclusion that my "screw doctors" approach to disease management isn't working.  Doing this simple crap should not feel as exhausting as pushing loose water up a hill.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Quit lying about my onions!

I get upset about the most ridiculous things.  If there's a loose hair on my shirt that randomly brushes up against my arm, it drives me absolutely crazy.  You'd think I had a giant, soul guzzling bug on me.

I'm making brunch for a guest tomorrow, and I'm perusing recipes.  I'll probably make a frittata because I don't have the patience, or desire {/skill} to make crust for a quiche.  I could always go buy a crust, but again with the lazy part.

On to the bitching....

It's my opinion that no frittata is complete without some form of onion.  Shallots, chives, leeks, whatever.  Right?  And we all know the BEST way to bring out the flavor of onions is to carmelize them low and slow.  Right?

Dear food gods,  AN ONION CANNOT BE SOFT, GOLDEN BROWN, AND CARMELY AFTER 7 MINUTES OF COOKING!  Stop lying to people.  IT TAKES AT LEAST 40 MINUTES.

If  your onion is soft and "golden brown" after only 7 minutes, what you've done is burn your fucking onion.  Way to go.  Now, I like burnt onions too, but the flavor is not the same.  If your intended finished flavor profile includes the taste of burning, I apologize.  I've misjudged you.

If you don't know how, or need a refresher this is a very good tutorial

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Stuff I've stuffed myself with

Delicata squash fries & PB-apple sauce dip

Soy curl jerky!!! I'm in heaven (yes it's amazing).

Hospital Food - Confirmed, the black bean burger is vegan, sadly I'm a repeat customer

Fettucini, soy curls, turnip greens, garlic nooch sauce
I have five doctors, and all of them are telling me different things regarding what my diet should look like.  They can all kiss my ass.  The dietitian rules the roost, and she says to keep doing what I'm doing.  If something bothers me, don't eat it.  It's as simple as that.