You see, shit happens to me, and then I'm told I have to follow x diet until they can confirm or deny that I actually need surgery. So I'm chugging along on a very low residue diet, with an emphasis on shakes. God help me or put me out of my misery. Cool thing about low residue? Most processed food fits squarely in that category. The issue here is allowing my car to be buried by 10 inches of snow and ice, there isn't any processed food within three miles of my house.
Maybe later today I'll get myself a big bag of kettle chips and some mystery dip and pretend I don't feel most foul after eating the junk I'm allowed to eat. Bad food>no food.
My damn stomach. I was so hungry, I started deliriously fantasizing about all kinds of stuff I haven't thought about in what I consider to be forever (more than a year? For a cricket who has an average life span of 8 weeks, that's way longer than forever). I saw burritos, onions rings, and hot dogs. Hot dogs! I made a kickass seitan hot dog a few years ago that tasted exactly like those infamous oscar mayer hot dogs. I consulted with google. After clicking a dozen links, I decided making seitan at 3am is entirely too much work.
So what else makes a hot dog a hot dog? It's not just about the mystery meat. It's the bun and the toppings. I have mustard, ketchup, and relish in the refrigerator so I just needed to figure out how to make bread in less than the normal half day's worth of time.
Paging Mr. Google! "beer bread in the microwave"
*bleep bloop bloop bleep*
And there I found it, multiple hits on how to make bread in 10 minutes FLAT. YES! I mixed it up, nuked it, and gathered my condiments in anticipation. I couldn't get the relish open because it was all sticky and most likely rusted shut, so into the trash it went. That's okay though, I still have mustard and ketchup!
After the nukemaster chimed, I inverted the wheaty blob onto the counter. It was at this point I realized you get what you pay for. This shit was cheaper than free. The edges were rock hard, the bottom was slimy and gummy, but did that stop me? Hell no. I picked around all of the funky parts and came up with one decent section of sad, almost bread. I tasted the crumb and the flavor was actually nothing to sulk about.
|Spongebob, is that you?|
I carved myself a bun and squirted on a little M & K. I took a bite and my taste buds were donkey punched by a flavor that didn't belong. Trash bag? What the hell? The bread itself tasted okay. I inspected the mustard and noticed that it had expired in January of 2012. Jeeeeeesh. Into the trash THAT went. It's a shame, because that was some well-traveled mustard.
|Light as a feather, stiff as a board (I couldn't even cut through it)|